This post will probably sound pretty pitiful...so if you're used to the happy go lucky Albert type story/post, this is not one of them. Just for the record. Feel free to return to previous tasks.
So, for the last while since graduating, things have really taken a turn. Maybe it has something to do with me praying about patience. I feel that it is a paradoxical thing to pray about. If I don't pray about it (knowing it will bring patience-testing things...a.k.a. trials) then I feel like I'm being prideful. If I do...well...then comes the patience testing. Some days I just feel totally unprepared for how I'm going to feel when these arrive.
This post will probably make little sense. It's me throwing up with words and seeing what happens.
So when summer came, I received a new job and moved down to Provo. For the last almost decade, I've had an illness that pulls me out of the regular and puts me in a spot where I don't feel like most people. It causes me to worry about things excessively that no one else really would for very long. Sometimes it is so intense that I will spend hours mentally hashing out experiences all the way from start to finish when they haven't even happened. It's like I can't handle the unknown or a surprise. Naturally, this also makes me feel very very alone in my own little world. It is something I have to be constantly vigilant about for me to not become a recluse.
Most people know me as a social butterfly. I love people. I really do. I want them to never feel how I do, and I think that is the main driving force behind things. Besides that, I recognize that they are children of God and each one of us has our own unique story. That's what intrigues me, is getting to know each one and their story. I love being able to serve. Frankly, when I can't serve others I feel pretty useless to society in general. But behind the social butterfly part of me is a craving for a deep connection. For some stability, for someone to understand me. And I think that has been my missing link since I have moved down to Provo.
Since I have moved here, I have felt utterly alone in almost every conceivable way. It is difficult for me to talk to anyone about my feelings, because few understand my point of view. Most try to tackle the problem for me from a crazy positive perspective, which is one I do not share, and therefore cannot implement at all. Beneath all this, I believe in the Atonement, but know that my belief is flawed because I have a hard time implementing it in my daily life. I try to do all the things I need to: pray, study scriptures, listen to conference over and over, attend the temple, etc. but even that doesn't work all the time. It probably stems from a lack in faith. Ha I don't even really want to post this but I feel like I need to talk about it once in a while. Basically I feel like by making myself vulnerable I will alienate a lot of people or lose a bunch of friends. Or people will cast me aside as a freak who needs help. Yes, it's true, I do need help, and I often feel like a freak of nature.
Lately my thoughts have dwelt on developing relationships through dating. It has been a long time since I have had any successful relationships...because with all the fun stuff I have going on, my confidence never seems to float into the black. I have self-worth through knowing my heritage and identity in Heavenly Father's plan...but that does not bleed over into my social life even a little bit. It basically is the fuel I rely upon to keep me going. My thoughts of ever developing another healthy relationship with someone of the opposite gender are very bleak since I can't even handle my own issues most of the time. And I don't blame people for seeing me as an insecure person like I am. And what I despise the most is becoming a "service project" for anyone because I am not always chipper. That is a good way to back up my view of feeling worthless, because I've reached the point that people don't know what to do other than give me a pat on the back and bring me cookies.
The main reason I hate feeling this way is that I feel so much self-induced pressure in my family. I have for a long time felt like the oldest sibling, because of choices I've made. I've had many firsts, including serving a mission and graduating from college. I feel like my parents rely on me a lot to help along my other siblings who are not on the same page. And I hate to disappoint. I just want to make them happy and not cause another point of stress on top of what they already have. I could go into much more depth on that, but it is not necessary.
But, with all this junk going on, I still trek on. And I do really thank those who truly understand what is going on and truly care. I love my family more than words can express and take comfort in knowing that Christ has been and is always there for me. I know my Father in Heaven is aware of my situation and that Jesus Christ is here next to me, trudging through what so often seems like a dark and utterly lonely path. I just hope I have the strength to do my part and make it to the end of the battle. Some days...many days...like today, I just don't feel like I have the strength to keep fighting.
So, for the last while since graduating, things have really taken a turn. Maybe it has something to do with me praying about patience. I feel that it is a paradoxical thing to pray about. If I don't pray about it (knowing it will bring patience-testing things...a.k.a. trials) then I feel like I'm being prideful. If I do...well...then comes the patience testing. Some days I just feel totally unprepared for how I'm going to feel when these arrive.
This post will probably make little sense. It's me throwing up with words and seeing what happens.
So when summer came, I received a new job and moved down to Provo. For the last almost decade, I've had an illness that pulls me out of the regular and puts me in a spot where I don't feel like most people. It causes me to worry about things excessively that no one else really would for very long. Sometimes it is so intense that I will spend hours mentally hashing out experiences all the way from start to finish when they haven't even happened. It's like I can't handle the unknown or a surprise. Naturally, this also makes me feel very very alone in my own little world. It is something I have to be constantly vigilant about for me to not become a recluse.
Most people know me as a social butterfly. I love people. I really do. I want them to never feel how I do, and I think that is the main driving force behind things. Besides that, I recognize that they are children of God and each one of us has our own unique story. That's what intrigues me, is getting to know each one and their story. I love being able to serve. Frankly, when I can't serve others I feel pretty useless to society in general. But behind the social butterfly part of me is a craving for a deep connection. For some stability, for someone to understand me. And I think that has been my missing link since I have moved down to Provo.
Since I have moved here, I have felt utterly alone in almost every conceivable way. It is difficult for me to talk to anyone about my feelings, because few understand my point of view. Most try to tackle the problem for me from a crazy positive perspective, which is one I do not share, and therefore cannot implement at all. Beneath all this, I believe in the Atonement, but know that my belief is flawed because I have a hard time implementing it in my daily life. I try to do all the things I need to: pray, study scriptures, listen to conference over and over, attend the temple, etc. but even that doesn't work all the time. It probably stems from a lack in faith. Ha I don't even really want to post this but I feel like I need to talk about it once in a while. Basically I feel like by making myself vulnerable I will alienate a lot of people or lose a bunch of friends. Or people will cast me aside as a freak who needs help. Yes, it's true, I do need help, and I often feel like a freak of nature.
Lately my thoughts have dwelt on developing relationships through dating. It has been a long time since I have had any successful relationships...because with all the fun stuff I have going on, my confidence never seems to float into the black. I have self-worth through knowing my heritage and identity in Heavenly Father's plan...but that does not bleed over into my social life even a little bit. It basically is the fuel I rely upon to keep me going. My thoughts of ever developing another healthy relationship with someone of the opposite gender are very bleak since I can't even handle my own issues most of the time. And I don't blame people for seeing me as an insecure person like I am. And what I despise the most is becoming a "service project" for anyone because I am not always chipper. That is a good way to back up my view of feeling worthless, because I've reached the point that people don't know what to do other than give me a pat on the back and bring me cookies.
The main reason I hate feeling this way is that I feel so much self-induced pressure in my family. I have for a long time felt like the oldest sibling, because of choices I've made. I've had many firsts, including serving a mission and graduating from college. I feel like my parents rely on me a lot to help along my other siblings who are not on the same page. And I hate to disappoint. I just want to make them happy and not cause another point of stress on top of what they already have. I could go into much more depth on that, but it is not necessary.
But, with all this junk going on, I still trek on. And I do really thank those who truly understand what is going on and truly care. I love my family more than words can express and take comfort in knowing that Christ has been and is always there for me. I know my Father in Heaven is aware of my situation and that Jesus Christ is here next to me, trudging through what so often seems like a dark and utterly lonely path. I just hope I have the strength to do my part and make it to the end of the battle. Some days...many days...like today, I just don't feel like I have the strength to keep fighting.
Love you Albert!
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