A follow up...

So...after that long and depressing post I feel like I need to put up something of a remedial nature. I'm typing this on my phone, so I hope it pans out. 

What depresses me is something that I have dealt with for over a decade. Looking in hindsight, I can see how blessings always appear out of the darkest abyss. I had a mission call change from Hermosillo Mexico to Orlando, Florida. This was a hard hit for me because I often wondered if it was linked to misbehavior before and felt ashamed because my grandfather who shares my name went to Mexico. Everyone in te family whispered about how my cousin (leaving the same day to a different part of Mexico) and I were both going to serve and my grandfather would be super happy. So when the change came, I was surprised and saddened. But—the blessings that have come from that experience are beyond my wildest dreams. I have met some amazing people that have blessed my life exponentially and who I know will be my friends for eternity. I'm still in very good contact with a handful of them and they have blessed my life more than I can describe. After a little while in my mission, I had some amazing spiritual experiences that solidified my witness that Florida is where The Lord needed me all along. It was a tender reminder from a loving Father that with trust in Him, things always work out for my good. Another great blessing was that 5 years later, I would know EXACTLY what my younger brother was going through as a missionary and be able to comfort and advise him. I did not ever foresee that coming out of my struggles, but I am eternally grateful for it. Also, struggling personally has given me great empathy for those going through hard times or who seem alone and separated—regardless of the people around them and what they think. I have learned truly that The Lord cares about The One. He is always mindful. Being kind may never be popular, but popularity pales in comparison to the joy of lifting and serving those around oneself. 

In light of my recent post, this is the first time I have publicly voiced my aggravations. Some days are terribly hard, but I continue to press on. I was amazed by the immediate and heartfelt response that so many gave to me. I had concerned friends and family who jumped to my aid immediately. I had some very heartfelt and deep conversations with those who also struggle around me. I learned and was thanked by many others (that I did not know of) who struggle with similar doubts and anxieties. The purpose of my posting wasn't just to display how dark things are at times, but also to show that there are those among us who suffer on the inside while appearing strong on the outside, and that it's ok. Like Elder Holland said in a recent Conference address, speaking of mental and social struggles should be no more shocking than speaking of physical illness or a cold, etc. Many friends reinforced to me that it is not our weaknesses and struggles that define us, and I believe in that even when it is hard to. 

Speaking of definitions, I want to speak of what defines me. In a very deep and vulnerable conversation I had with a treasured friend of mine, I stated that my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Chist is what defines me. This friend thought deeply about this, so I changed to say that it is my choice of faith to stick with my testimony each day that defines me. And that is simply what keeps me going. This friend helped me realize an analogy I have never thought about or out into words previously:

When you fall so far that you've hit what seems like rock bottom—there's someone who has been there. One who has gone all the way. The rock in the bottom you land on is Jesus Christ. In His deepest anguish—which I will never understand completely—He descended below ALL things so that He might succor those who feel there is no escape. He suffered utterly and completely alone so that we may never have to feel the same. (http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/none-were-with-him). I have paraphrased Jeffrey R. Holland in another talk called “None were with Him,” from 2009. It states exactly how I feel. I encourage everyone to read and study it. I want to say that I KNOW this is true. Through my darkest struggles, I have always relied on the bedrock of my testimony—Jesus Christ. When I feel that no one else cares, I know I can crawl to my knees and open my soul to my Father in Heaven in the name of His Son, and They will listen. Help will come. It always does. Christ is the strength that I rely on for every success I have had in my life. I am RICHLY blessed with tender mercies and amazing people in my life (who I commonly refer to as angels) beyond my ability to repay or understand. I often feel when I am speaking of my struggles that there are so many others I can bless that struggle much more than myself. I want to be that servant that The Lord can rely on, that angel that someone needs, and that helping hand that can raise and lift those who may be in darkness. I want to reaffirm my testimony that Christ is the capital C of Charity, and through His atonement, we can overcome ALL things. He has paid the debt. He is our advocate. He is the risen King whom I serve. He is how I can return—bringing as many as I can—to my Father's presence. I know they live. They love is. I love you. I hope to love and serve many others in my life as I have received over and over. Please join me. My greatest desire is to serve my brothers and sisters as a vessel for my Father in Heaven and an angelic (but very mortal and dependent) extension of the Savior's atonement. 

That's how I go on and why I go on.